The Apology Barometer

You know, I know, we all know that no one is perfect. If I had to forgive my parents for fumbling through life and parenting while I was growing up, then I must also accept that everyone makes mistakes and might deserve a bit of grace as they deal with themselves. But I also know myself, and how painful it is for me to be hurt by someone I decided was worth trusting. So the test for me with any relationship in crisis is the depth of the harm done and the person’s willingness to apologize and make it right.

If they’re not willing to apologize, Sis, leave ‘em where you found them.

I’m a kind person, and when I feel like I’ve hurt someone I have enough strength to try to make amends for my transgressions. I’ve been so disappointed to find that few people are willing to extend that same courtesy to me, especially when I’ve let those same people into my exclusive inner circle. 

Have you been in my shoes?

As a former people pleaser I have experienced a variety of non-apology, fake apology, lack of apology, and backhanded apology scenarios. I’ve had people gaslight me, tell me I must be off my meds, accuse me of playing the victim, acknowledge the hurt but refuse to apologize for it, straight up lie, or claim I’m trying to test and manipulate them - all to cover the possibility that they are just dead wrong.

And it’s hurtful, because all along I knew the intentions I had for connecting - the genuine excitement of creating a new meaningful relationship in my life.

In my 20’s, I’d mull over these words and actions, wondering if there was any truth in them, wanting to reflect on myself to be a better person, and most importantly, wanting the friendship or relationship to work out. I wanted so badly to have harmonious relationships with the people I decided to have in my life - people I hand picked myself - that I would quiet my own indignation and accept whatever this person had to offer.

I’ve since learned that just because you pick them, doesn’t mean that they pick you - and that has to be okay.

This can be especially painful when you know all that you have to offer, know what kind of heart you carry, and know the type of friend you would be to this person — so from your vantage point the rejection doesn’t make sense.

But people have the right to self-sabotage. Some people will not care that you are good for them. They will not care that you have a heart of gold. They will not care about your loyalty or the fierceness of your support.

They will choose to be careless with you and instead of taking accountability for the hurt they caused, they will just move along without you, and you will have to let them go. Bandage the doorway in your heart that you left open for them - that door that has now become a hole - and leave them to their choices.

Never forget that wanting you and recognizing your value is part of deserving you.

When you release the people that don’t want to be there, you are creating space for people that will hold on as tightly to you as you do to them. The people that will tell you their truths and listen to yours; people that enjoy your company and believe in your talents; people that are willing to apologize and work on the friendship so that it lasts throughout the years.

Years ago, I almost lost one of my best friends to a misunderstanding– meaning he misunderstood the line between harmless teasing and an attack on my self-esteem. After one too many times of forcing a laugh and a shrug while secretly being enormously offended, I decided I didn’t need a friend like him. And in a feat that I didn’t know I could accomplish at that point in my people pleasing life, I cut him off. Stopped answering phone calls, didn’t respond to texts, and canceled previously planned happy hours.

But he, in a move that will forever define him in my eyes, showed up for me regardless. Yeah his delivery wasn’t great - “this is the last time I’m going to try to talk to you about this, then I’m done” - but he was there. He showed up at my place, determined to listen, find out what was wrong, and make it better. From that point on I have never questioned whether he valued me and my friendship. I never questioned whether I was important to him.

Those are the people that you need in your life, sis.

Those are the safe people.

In this life, we are all going to make mistakes. I will never tell you that a person that does everything right and never causes harm exists. I don’t expect that, and neither should you. We are at a point in our lives where the longevity of friendships matter, and throughout the years, conflict will happen. The way you know that they value you the way you value them is in their apology, in their dedication to making it right, in their earnestness to understand and correct their actions so that your friendship is never in this position again.

Choose people that choose you. And when conflict arises, learn their apology language like you know their love language.

Apology language? Yes, it’s a thing! I’ll put the link below.

I want you to have boundaries, Sis. We are too old to let people play with us like that. Go ahead and rip the band aid off all those hopes you had for that person, all the disappointment you feel, and cut the cord. To apologize when you cause harm is the bare minimum - if they can’t do that, they’re not worth even a second of your time.

Take the Apology Language Test Here and tell me what your apology language is in the comments below!

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