A Soft Place
April seems to have started the season of weddings, birthdays, graduations, engagement parties, and baby showers. I’ve been invited to many and I’ve struggled to balance my intense desire to go to everything and the big fat NAW GIRL coming from my budget and my energy bank. It kills me that I can’t go to everything - to have to miss out on sharing special moments with special people. I am a giver by nature and it’s important to me that the people in my life know how incredible they are, and that I’m cheering for them.
Recently, my brother asked me why I felt the need to attend every celebration and I told him I want to be the type of person that shows up for the people I care about. What I didn’t expect was the small voice in my head whispering the unspoken half of that answer: …and by showing up, I hope I can count on them showing up for me.
I cringe.
Why? Because although reciprocity seems to be a natural component of any relationship, it’s dangerous to place a value on the expectation that someone will return the effort and energy you give to them. I’ve been there, done that, and was under the impression that I sent that mentality straight to Hell.
Tell me - can you relate to any of these statements? “I gave everything I could give.” “It cut me sometimes, but I made room for your brokenness.” “I’ve forgiven and given more chances.” “I’ve pushed myself to the brink to make things work.” “I saw your potential and I stood beside you, helping you with your dreams and neglecting my own.” “I used up my energy encouraging you.” “I put you on a pedestal and empowered you.” “I’ve sacrificed energy, money, and time so that I could support you.”
… and you let me down. You told me you never asked for my sacrifices. You shrugged your shoulders at my pain. You took everything I gave and used it for a new life without me. You were careless and unkind. You pretended to change. You didn’t try at all.
As women, sometimes we allow the expectation of reciprocation to replace the boundaries that keep us healthy, and we suffer for it. We want to be able to give freely - because it is our nature - but we go too far, justifying the imbalance with the belief that we will be compensated down the line. Instead we end up martyring ourselves, and Sis, that is not cute. You are not moving in love when you do that; you are showing that you don’t know how to value yourself. And that’s a chapter we all need to close and burn.
I have done things for other people that I will take to my grave because I am so embarrassed. Embarrassed that I didn’t look out for myself - didn’t know how to love and protect myself - and instead put those qualities up as collateral in a gamble that I lost. I drained myself hoping for an equal exchange and found a one-way street. I was so busy trying to be a soft place for someone else that I didn’t care about boundaries and was somehow shocked when I got trampled.
Stop abandoning yourself.
Your value is not determined by how deeply you can sacrifice for someone else.
You cannot be good to others without first being good to yourself.
One of my favorite stories about my grandfather happened while my mom was in high school. She has always been a kind and considerate person with a gentle heart, so when a friend of her favorite cousin threatened to kill himself if she didn’t go out with him, she was conflicted. Not only did she feel like she would be responsible for his death by refusing him, but that it would bring further pain to her cousin who had just lost his father. When word got to my grandfather, his advice was very simple. “Let that fool kill himself, then!”
That story stays with me because although that example seems extreme and blatantly manipulative, it was still hard to create boundaries; and if overt situations are hard to navigate, how much more difficult are they to overcome when they’re subtle? This dynamic is one we deal with all the time: we are convinced by others, or we convince ourselves, that surrendering ourselves is the right thing to do, and that saying ‘no’ is a risk with permanent consequences. And what’s worse, we rationalize by telling ourselves it’s what any good person would do.
My mom says that my grandfather’s response gave her permission to say no. And sometimes we need that, when our no is still a whisper in our mouth. So if no one has told you these things to free you, hear this in my grandfathers booming voice:
1. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. You do not have the power to control someone else’s choices. The idea that there is an involuntary cause and effect between the actions of two adults, is a lie. And you are nobody’s fool.
2. People will gladly accept your sacrifices on their behalf, both intentionally and unintentionally, so it’s your job to know your boundaries and enforce them. Learn your limits and do not compromise them for anyone.
3. You don’t have to love everyone. Recognize when you are trying to put lipstick on a pig. Pigs belong in pig pens far away from where you live. Stop rolling in the mud.
4. Be intentional - if it causes you harm, don’t do it. You do not have to go, to speak, to act, to love, to smile, to be strong, to pretend, none of it. Your being belongs to you, and what you need is always okay.
Keep your intentions pure and your boundaries strong.
If you can do these things, you will find the peace to not only create a soft place to land, but to embody it, for yourself (first) and others.
To be clear, it’s fine to give and expect reciprocity - but you cannot put yourself in a position where you are dependent on reciprocity being honored for your own sustenance. You cannot let yourself walk around empty because you relied on the integrity or good will of another in order to be refilled. Maybe you’ve heard this advice before: only loan out money that you don’t need back. The same is true for everything: energy, love, resources, time. If providing these things risks your happiness, peace, or balance then you cannot afford to give it out in the first place. And that is okay!
I show up for people because it is a core value of mine to do that - not because I expect it back. I gain enjoyment just from being present; but it is a choice, not an obligation, and I’m not failing anyone by taking care of my needs first. Fill your cup, let it overflow, and then pour into others from the saucer - never from the dregs. That’s how you protect your soft place, and that’s how you maintain the capacity to be a soft place for others.
Did you find any gems in this post? Comment them below with a 💎❤️ emoji and share your thoughts!
