Approaching the Worship Floor

How is your heart today? 

It’s a question that I like to ask. It tends to be unexpected, and the surprise helps to cut through all the automatic responses you might have stored for “How are you?”. It’s the type of question that requires you to take a beat and think about the core of who you are and what state that core is in at the moment. Yet, when I asked myself that question last week, I was surprised to admit that my heart feels disconnected. 

Have you ever had a situation that took you there - made you want to shut down? I’ve been hurt recently. A wound ripped open by one person and then salted by others shortly after. When I was done crying, I wiped my face and plunged myself into my work - into my ambitions and my talents. I don’t think that’s uncommon - how many times have we decided to focus on the parts of life we feel we can control, when other parts are spiraling? What I didn’t realize at the time, was that in trying to compartmentalize my pain, I had shut myself off from all of my emotions; not just the part of my heart where that pain lived. Turns out, it’s an all or nothing thing for me.

And so when I took the time to check in, I realized I was disconnected. Numb.  

This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve felt this. In fact, for all my sensitivity and depth of emotion my natural approach to coping with pain or feeling overwhelmed tends to be the exact opposite. I have never known what to do with the pain, other than to block it out so that I can keep moving forward. Apathetic, but highly functioning - and in the past when I thought my worth was attached to what I could produce, I thought this was a win.

But it’s not a state of being that has long-term benefits. It’s a child’s way of avoiding the work of releasing that pain. It’s allowing something to remain broken on the inside, because you don’t have enough self-love to commit to healing. And yet, even though I know that lesson, here I was again. I didn’t take my broken heart to God – I couldn’t, because I refused to acknowledge it myself. I pray regularly, but I only brought Him my dreams and aspirations. Everything that was exciting and new — but not my pain.

God will not find the things you hide. Ask not, receive not. 

To be clear, it’s not that God doesn’t already know what you’re going through - but He won’t override your free will. Life is about choices and actions; faith without works is dead, and you have the starring role in your own healing. For me, I didn’t know where to start. Me with my disconnected self. Give it to God seems like such a simple directive until it’s on you to do. And it is on you. About you. Your heart is your responsibility, and you can’t wait around hoping that the ones that hurt you will do something that makes forgiving them easier. The pain is enough to deal with, don’t overwhelm yourself trying to make someone else act right. If they do make amends, let that be the cherry on the top of the healing you are already working towards.

As for that inner work - it’s different for everyone. I don’t know what will work for you if you are struggling to look at or gather the broken pieces of your heart for God. For me, I found that the first step of bringing the pieces of my heart to God is admitting my pain; acknowledging not just that I am feeling it, but why I am, and not letting myself feel petty for feeling that way. I know the world has a way of dismissing harm done if it doesn’t meet their standards of ‘acceptable pain’; but in the privacy of your prayer closet, no grievance is too small for God. So confess your truth. Let out the wailing of your heart. 

When I looked inward and spoke to God, this is what I said. I had to start and stop and start again a few times to get past my own misdirection trying to keep me from delving too deep, but I got there. My truth. I pray that sharing this helps to guide you to the release of your own. (Best read out loud)

I have pain, God.

I have so much pain. 

They didn’t see me– they don’t see me.

I’m afraid that they refuse to see me.

It makes me feel so alone.

It makes me feel shut out and abandoned,

Again.

Like I am not worthy of love and care,

Again.

They mistreat me

And I have not figured out–

I know I cannot make anyone love me.

But I never expect cruelty. That is the sting.

Again.

So unkind, God. Ungrateful. Mean.

I don’t understand what makes them think,

That in their own stumbling self-discovery,

They can mistreat me.

I am hurt by it, Lord.

And I don’t want to be.

I want to move on, because I know that this

is not really about me.

But that doesn’t close the wound that their daggers made in me.

The hurt is in my body.

They were mean to me, God.

I know I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t provoke them.

And I don’t know what to do with the hurt.

I don’t think there is anything that is 

In my control to fix.

I want to be held. Some days, I just want to be held.

I don’t have the tools for this God.

I don’t have the glue that can hold this together.

Instead, I give it to you, Lord.

Please, help me. I need your help.

Thank you, Lord, for hearing me. 

For taking my pain so that I might remain myself. 

I am still, in this moment, on my journey of reconnecting with my heart. Today, I don’t have my own words of uplift for you so I borrow these from my daily devotional to offer as encouragement.

Any love you put out in the world multiplies and always comes back to you. Do not be fearful of sharing your love with others. Be at peace for you are beautiful and loved. Act with surety, confidence and the knowing that the universe loves you. - Soul Guidance, 2/13. 

I wish you so many blessings and so much healing - so that you may remain unshaped, unchanged by your pain, and instead free to welcome the love that is your birthright to experience.

What affirmations do you have for someone that might be struggling with their pain? Offer them below!

Did you find any gems in this post? Comment them below with a 💎❤️ emoji and share your thoughts!